Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

My mind has been going in a million different directions lately. From where are my kids going to school in the summer, to where will we be living next year. It's been a whirl of a hurricane in my head and I am just not slowing down to smell the roses. I don't want to get overwhelmed, but I am getting there fast and furious.
Yesterday was an intense day for me. After work, dinner and kid battling my body and mind decided on their own without consent to just shut down and go into a coma state of surreal. I started to drift off and thinking about the calmness of smoke and how it drifts with the wind whirling and twirling all around into complete nothingness and thinking to myself, I wish that was offered as a vacation resort for adults. As I was drifting into this state, I started to think about babies. Not having another baby no, but to really think of how they have the best life and that it only goes downhill from there.

Babies have a 5 star resort every day all day until they get into the discovery mode. They are pampered , primped, every need is taken care of. Any sign of distress, is an automatic priority to all around and they are soothed into a blissful sleep. Even then they are admired from afar and never left alone. Why does it go straight to hell after that?
We grow and work in order to do what? Just die from working and not enjoying our lives. After the kids are gone and you are old and gray, what is the next phase of your life? It should not be working to survive. It should be working to not work and live out the rest of your days peacefull and tranquil. Right now, I am just not seeing the end of the tunnel fast enough. And what kind of example am I setting for my kids? Should they fall into this cycle where they grow, work til they can't work no more and then just collaspe of old age?
How should we live our life and what should our priorities be when it comes to evaluating our mortality and happiness?

Make a dollar out of 15 cents

As a single person/parent, I find myself in the dilemma of trying to save for those rainy days.  Since its just me, its even scarier to think that I am supposed to have this fund ready and able for all emergency purposes. With this in mind, I am going on an inner journey to see where my money ends up and to discover what changes I need to make in order to find my way back to Comfortville.

Today started off like any other day. I got up thinking about what bills need to be paid and how can I pay them. When I finally sit down to analyze who gets what dollar, I suddenly realize that the more money I make, the more I spend. Mo money Mo problems really starts to make sense to me. Thats when I decide to go on a diet, a full fledge 360 diet. Not only will I keep track of my spending, but also what I spend money on and how can I cut back and save some money. OK, first things first, what do I like to spend money on.
Well for one, I love food so I know I will splurge on food, but this is something I consume on a daily basis. An expensive consumption at that. This will be where I begin. Where I can start to suppress my hunger for spending and eating all in one. So first homework assignment, Whats cheaper - vegetarian lifestyle or meat eating lifestyle?
Here I go! Now I will try to analyze- through the summer mind you- what would be a cheaper, healthier, and long term lifestyle for me and the kids. Now I am no stranger to cooking, but Chef Boyardee never hurt nobody either. I work a 40 hr week and now I am trying to commit myself to A. cooking more than once or twice a week. B. bringing and eating leftovers for lunch instead of spending money and C. NOT Cheating. OMG! This is a main source of where my money goes and if this works, I can figure out how to capitalize off of this by having more in the bank than what I do now, and still eat like a queen. Maybe even lose a couple of pounds, which wouldnt hurt. OK now to analyze some vegan/vegetarian ways and maybe even post some good information to the masses. Stay tuned....

Norah Jones - Sunrise

Just feel so thankful for everything that's happening to me and my family. How could I not see everything wonderful around me.

Special for me and Special for you :)

Currently freaking out! I know God never puts anything on us that we can't handle, but my goodnes, I think I've been through the fire and still standing with a lit match in my hand. My son had his evaluation for Beharioral services on Saturday. Seems that he is very bright and starting to learn how to read. His memory is excellent and his social skills are really improving. Problem is, he has been kicked out of about 5 - 6 daycares in his lifetime due to the autism and behaviors. I finally found a good place for him in Augst 2009, and now he is exceeding them academically and he needs to be in a school environment. Now, I have to go on the school tour again, by myself as a single parent now, and shop for a good academic driven school. Change is sooo hard for him and even harder for me. Will he adjust, will he thrive, even if i like the school  - will they support an autistic child. This drives me crazy everytime! And with no support from the father, its even harder to make these decisions. I don't want to hold him back but changing him around every year, makes his outbursts and adjustments that much more crazy. This is what totally freaks me out!

Mother's Day

Mother's day was bittersweet for me. Sweet because of my kids and my friends cheering me for being a good mommy. Bitter because the person who created the kids with me couldn't even acknowledge, or was too busy thinking of himself, that it was mother's day and could of sent a text or something. It's not like he participates at all or appreciates the fact that the children are well taken care of by one sole parent. As much as people don't admit it, everyone wants to be recognized for their accomplishments. I hate to think in such a dreary way, but if something happened to me, I can't help but think who would take care of my children? They have a father, but that father doesn't know how to be a parent. He barely takes care of himself let alone another helpless human being. Practicing selfless love is an action and can't be replaced by money or gifts. I don't understand why people think they can buy a child's love when they've never done a damn thing for them that means something. Birthday and Christmas gifts are trash compared to real action oriented love. Kissing the boo boos, helping with homework, teaching a skill, something that can last and is tangible doesn't compare to a Barbie doll or a truck. How do you convey this to a grown person and how do you keep yourself from becoming the nagging parent or the all the time disciplinarian in the household. I know when I look back at my childhood, I appreciate my mother more and more because of the tangible things she taught me. Not because she bought me the latest gear or trivial things like that. My entire being would be totally different if my mother focused on the "right now wants". Instead she focused on the "future needs" of her children and that's the kind of parent I strive to be. Comment if you feel me on this one.

Keepin it together

Does anyone else feel like they think too much. Stuff just keeps happening to me and I dwell and dwell and try to remember all the details from one day to the next, but I know I can't keep doing that. It really burns me up when people don't do right and I always question why. I have got to burn into my brain that some people are just bastards and they couldn't care one bit about you or the life you live. They were born bastards and they are gonna die bastards. I can't do anything but get them as far away from me as possible. I don't want to be like that, and I don't want my children to grow up to be like that. Its a strange feeling to let go of someone you were once close to. It can be heart breaking when you reminisce or it could be a sigh of release when they are finally gone. Its the latter for me. It was a sigh of relief to see him go, but the mess he made while draggin his crap out with him is something I still have to deal with. We have 2 beautiful kids and they are wonderful, but his part was played by an empty vessel filled with endless hours of xbox 360 and war games. I am happy he's gone but wish it wasn't so much mess to clean up. Did anyone deal with these issues while being separated? Please let me know what your stories are?

Cabs at Rush Hour

I thought that Cabs were supposed to stop for ladies. Ok lately I have been a little late in picking up my son and need a cab to get to him right away. What is it with these taxis. They wiz right by you with noone in the car going the direction you need to go in. I tried for over 30 minutes to hail each and every cab and they just wizzed right by and I had my child with me. I am not gonna rob you. If anything, I'll give you a better tip cause I'm in a hurry. What is the problem? Is there a number we can call if we think we are being discriminated against by cabs? Why don't they have a camera thing in there car to monitor how much they work? Are they paid by commission or hourly? I don't know, but I really want to find out. They were so rude slowing down and shaking their head, like I got on bloody clothing and a knife with a sign that said "any where" on it. I am no threat and I'm not going to east bad street. I do not get it. I thought this kind of treatment was hidden, but apparently in the taxi world, it still exists. Can we band certain cabs from patrolling our areas if they do not want to comply? Where is the justice people? Where?