Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

My mind has been going in a million different directions lately. From where are my kids going to school in the summer, to where will we be living next year. It's been a whirl of a hurricane in my head and I am just not slowing down to smell the roses. I don't want to get overwhelmed, but I am getting there fast and furious.
Yesterday was an intense day for me. After work, dinner and kid battling my body and mind decided on their own without consent to just shut down and go into a coma state of surreal. I started to drift off and thinking about the calmness of smoke and how it drifts with the wind whirling and twirling all around into complete nothingness and thinking to myself, I wish that was offered as a vacation resort for adults. As I was drifting into this state, I started to think about babies. Not having another baby no, but to really think of how they have the best life and that it only goes downhill from there.

Babies have a 5 star resort every day all day until they get into the discovery mode. They are pampered , primped, every need is taken care of. Any sign of distress, is an automatic priority to all around and they are soothed into a blissful sleep. Even then they are admired from afar and never left alone. Why does it go straight to hell after that?
We grow and work in order to do what? Just die from working and not enjoying our lives. After the kids are gone and you are old and gray, what is the next phase of your life? It should not be working to survive. It should be working to not work and live out the rest of your days peacefull and tranquil. Right now, I am just not seeing the end of the tunnel fast enough. And what kind of example am I setting for my kids? Should they fall into this cycle where they grow, work til they can't work no more and then just collaspe of old age?
How should we live our life and what should our priorities be when it comes to evaluating our mortality and happiness?

Special for me and Special for you :)

Currently freaking out! I know God never puts anything on us that we can't handle, but my goodnes, I think I've been through the fire and still standing with a lit match in my hand. My son had his evaluation for Beharioral services on Saturday. Seems that he is very bright and starting to learn how to read. His memory is excellent and his social skills are really improving. Problem is, he has been kicked out of about 5 - 6 daycares in his lifetime due to the autism and behaviors. I finally found a good place for him in Augst 2009, and now he is exceeding them academically and he needs to be in a school environment. Now, I have to go on the school tour again, by myself as a single parent now, and shop for a good academic driven school. Change is sooo hard for him and even harder for me. Will he adjust, will he thrive, even if i like the school  - will they support an autistic child. This drives me crazy everytime! And with no support from the father, its even harder to make these decisions. I don't want to hold him back but changing him around every year, makes his outbursts and adjustments that much more crazy. This is what totally freaks me out!

Mother's Day

Mother's day was bittersweet for me. Sweet because of my kids and my friends cheering me for being a good mommy. Bitter because the person who created the kids with me couldn't even acknowledge, or was too busy thinking of himself, that it was mother's day and could of sent a text or something. It's not like he participates at all or appreciates the fact that the children are well taken care of by one sole parent. As much as people don't admit it, everyone wants to be recognized for their accomplishments. I hate to think in such a dreary way, but if something happened to me, I can't help but think who would take care of my children? They have a father, but that father doesn't know how to be a parent. He barely takes care of himself let alone another helpless human being. Practicing selfless love is an action and can't be replaced by money or gifts. I don't understand why people think they can buy a child's love when they've never done a damn thing for them that means something. Birthday and Christmas gifts are trash compared to real action oriented love. Kissing the boo boos, helping with homework, teaching a skill, something that can last and is tangible doesn't compare to a Barbie doll or a truck. How do you convey this to a grown person and how do you keep yourself from becoming the nagging parent or the all the time disciplinarian in the household. I know when I look back at my childhood, I appreciate my mother more and more because of the tangible things she taught me. Not because she bought me the latest gear or trivial things like that. My entire being would be totally different if my mother focused on the "right now wants". Instead she focused on the "future needs" of her children and that's the kind of parent I strive to be. Comment if you feel me on this one.

A Brand New Day!

Hello,
Today I start my blog. One about relationships, family, dieting, separation, divorce, raising my ASD son and his bossy sister, trying to establish new/good relationships while keeping old ones fresh and enduring. Isn't this alot to say in one sentence. But it's bound to be good and hopefully someone will find some meaning in what I say. I know during this time in my life, I have spent countless hours trying to find my way and it would of been helpful to find someone who was in similiar shoes. Can't wait to get started.